I simply do not want to sleep or sleep when
i will doze off immediately when i am lying
on my bed. Just staring into the space will
only caused me to be miserable. Whenever
i closed my eyes, i will only remind me of
Band. The only thing that i dont like in my life.
I have totally no interest in it, but i cant quit
too. My heart will only felt sad, my mind will
only have thousands or even infinity numbers
of 'I dont want to go Band'. But even those
thoughts appear every night before i am
going to sleep, nothing difference will change.
Maybe in this world, nobody will truly know
what i am thinking, what i really want as i dont
even know it myself. I might be laughing everytime,
but there are times i have thought that those
smiles on my face will only be fake, just like
someone wearing a mask to hide themself.
There are times i laugh, i smile, but i just cant
satisfied myself at night, that i really want to quit.
I even thought of dying before. But there is many
many things i have not done, and i dont even
have the courage to committe suiside. I really hate
myself for being such a stupid person making the
wrong choice for making this decision to join band.
I really regret. I tried to quit before, but failed. At
that moment when i know i was tied to this CCA, i
really went to hurt myself with my instrument and
even have the thought to jump down from outside
the music room. I was really desperate till now also,
just one more chance for me to quit, or even go back
to time. Just free me from it. I played everytime in
school with others just to forget about all the things,
but i will always remember very clearly what happen
that day. I watched anime since P5, but now i watched
more and more just to supress those problems inside
myself just to forget everything.. What will happen
if i died? Will people cried for me, or feel sad?
Ok,Today, nothing much happen but i finished D-gray man
yesterday. But the last episode will be out next week
which make me very excited. I wont die before i watch
it, i told myself. Then, i starting a new show yesterday
and finished it too.. So today i watching a new one, but too
bad cant cleared by today as the website said i have watched
more than the maximun time for the website, so i have to
wait. Hais. just too bad, i going to check out more about the
websites. BYEBYE. Goodnights.
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